Speaker 0 00:00:01 Have you struggled with mental health, bad thoughts and pain since your concussion? I know that many people have. My guest today, Bella Paige discusses the reasons she started her own podcast, The post-concussion podcast. She discusses the importance of mental health in concussion recovery and the journey of leaving the sport of horse riding. She discussed feelings of depression when she had to give up her sport and grief of seeing other people carry on with their lives. When her life was struggling, she discusses needing to move home because she needed more support. She also talked about the struggle when she worked to improve her symptoms and they weren’t improving. She denied her mental health symptoms and needed more support to get through those. She talks about her journey of finding her own therapist and what was most helpful to her. Let’s take a listen to this inspiring brain injury survivor. Hi everyone. Welcome to the TBI Therapist podcast. I’m your host, Dr. Jen Blin shot where we explore the heart of brain injury. Hi Bella. Welcome to the TBI Therapist podcast. It’s so great to have you.
Speaker 3 00:01:47 Hi. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 0 00:01:48 Yes. So I’m just gonna read your introduction. So Bella Page is the proud owner of Post-Concussion Inc. And the host of the Post-Concussion podcast. Her goal is to help the brain injury survivors and their families. After sustaining over 10 concussions and experiencing post concussion syndrome for nearly nine years, she realized that she could help others. Bella believed there was something missing in the world of brain injuries. Though Bella still struggles with symptoms, she is now living happily after suffering both severe depression and chronic pain and believes you can too. Okay, so I was just gonna kick it off to you to just share a little bit about yourself and what you’re doing in the brain injury world.
Speaker 3 00:02:40 Yeah, for sure. Well, my story’s quite long <laugh>, but I been over 10 concussions as you mentioned. All of them are from sports, not the same sport. Uh, I was a professional show jumper, so that’s where quite a few of them were from. And I was about 15 when started to notice headaches every single day. And I had had a few uh, bigger accidents. I had a snowboarding accident, dance, a few riding falls and incidents in there. And I started notice he the headaches every day when I was 15 and I didn’t tell anyone because I was really competitive in the sport I was in and I just kept going and I pushed it way too far. Took about eight months for me to kind of crash essentially. It’s like I hit a brick wall when the adrenaline rush stopped from riding and things like that when I went back to school.
Speaker 3 00:03:34 And that is when kind of it all started, like that’s when it really felt like my post-concussion kind of journey started. And today it’s been about nine years since all of that started and I started post-Concussion Inc. And the post-concussion podcast to help people because my biggest problem going through this was feeling really alone. I didn’t feel like there was anybody else out there like me. Everything in the news was athletes 20 years into their careers retiring and nobody was talking about the athletes who didn’t make it. And then I also found nobody was talking to these individuals, families, siblings, other individuals who were being just as affected by the injury as well. So I just try to talk about all of it, get every aspect of life post-concussion and help share people’s stories. We talk to medical doctors and professionals as well and it’s just trying to create awareness for the injuries themselves as well and give like survivors of voice
Speaker 0 00:04:39 Voice. Hmm. Yeah and I’ve listened to so many of those podcasts that you’ve done and yeah, I think there’s so many misconceptions or just things that you don’t know about brain injury if you’re not in this world. Even for myself, I have four degrees in psychology and I’m not saying that to like say I have four degrees in psychology, but when I arrived at my postdoc I didn’t know really anything. And that’s someone who I didn’t have any brain injury training up to my postdoc, but really I felt like I had to do this crash course in understanding brain injury. And you would think that someone who was almost ready to be a psychologist would know from their generalized training that we’d have some kind of base training in brain injury. But I, I mean I learned from my, from the survivors, from my clients from of course my supervisor, I’m not gonna play down my supervisor cuz he really, I mean had worked his whole career in brain injury. So that was a rich experience but I just found like I had to consume so much information and so why aren’t people talking about this?
Speaker 3 00:05:48 Yeah, well there’s so many people out there they don’t really clue in that part. I find that’s really missing often is that it’s not just like the odd person out there. It’s way more than you expect.
Speaker 0 00:06:03 Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, part of your story was really what I and certainly feel like you don’t have to share any parts that you don’t, you’re not comfortable with sharing. But because I focus on the mental health aspects most of the time I’ve, you know, I’ve been a therapist in this world for 10 years of brain injury. I mean I’m talking about grief, I’m talking about loss, I’m talking about depression with folks on a day in day out basis in the context of their recovery. And I’m wondering if you could just give a window into your experience grants of the mental health components and what you faced.
Speaker 3 00:06:40 Yeah, for sure. Well that part’s really big <laugh>. It’s actually like my favorite part to talk about because I find it’s really missed and nobody was paying attention to it while I was suffering because of all my other symptoms that I was dealing with. So when I had to stop riding being an athlete, that is when the depression started for sure. And I didn’t tell anyone. I remember I had to get rid of like social media, like I got rid of Facebook and Instagram and all those kinds of things because seeing my friends continue on, even though I was happy for them was really hard to do because I wanted to be there, I wanted to compete, I wanted to ride and I just kind of kept going. I was, I spent my second last year of high school not going, I went every day for about an hour for one class and then I’d leave cuz that’s all I could handle.
Speaker 3 00:07:34 So like my social life really struggled and some of it was really hard because I would feel best at night because I had slept all day <laugh>. And so I would be able to like do a few things and it was hard on my siblings cuz they’d look at me and be like, well she looks fine now when you’d like come home from school. But I’d been in pain all day and I had a headache every single day for seven years. And something I always kept telling myself was, how are you gonna be happy being in pain every single day? And there was times where I lied to people, like I lied to all of my doctors and told them I was doing great and, but I wasn’t doing great. I just wanted to go ride. So I moved away for university and I ended up crashing because I started jumping and doing university, which is a big step from high school usually for most people. And I hadn’t even been going to high school full time yet. And then I went to university and I ended up blocking out and completely losing my vision. And,
Speaker 0 00:08:35 And this was while just to understand this was while riding like so you were talking about the transition from like high school writing to college writing. Is
Speaker 3 00:08:43 That Yeah, like it’s all the same because like I wrote at the same level so it didn’t really matter. I didn’t ride with schools you ride um, with professional parents that you kind of pay for it separate from school. But I did that and then I ended up moving home because I realized I couldn’t do this alone. And then I went through a couple years, like there was years where I had in high school there I had letters of my drawer for my family cuz I was done. Like I was, there was no reason to be here. I was in so much pain I couldn’t get up. Like there was days I would walk out of my bedroom and I would collapse at the top of the stairs and I wouldn’t make it down. There was six, I spent three months where one medication made me lose over 20 pounds.
Speaker 3 00:09:28 Oh wow. And then I spent two years relearning how to eat because of that. And like there was lots of things like that that just kind of accumulated and it just kept piling on and piling on. And I’d see one therapist with one set of doctors like I was getting, my parents were sending me to like clinics and you’d see the one therapist at the clinic and the first thing they would say is maybe you shouldn’t ride. And then I would never talk to them again because I was really stubborn and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear and my mom would just like watch my face <laugh>.
Speaker 0 00:10:00 Yeah. Yeah. I was just kinda curious cuz going back to what you said about I didn’t tell my doctors the truth and I didn’t want to tell them the truth. And I wonder just giving a window into that part of the part of your story.
Speaker 3 00:10:14 Yeah, for sure. A lot of it I was young, like I was a teenager and I didn’t, I lied because I wanted to keep riding and I felt that if they told my parents I couldn’t do it, like horseback riding is really expensive <laugh>. So they stopped like kind of supporting me to do it. I wasn’t going to be able to and I needed their support and I needed the doctor’s support so I just kept not telling them how I was doing. And even when I did tell them how I was doing, nothing was working. Like we were trying like so many, I tried so many treatments and nothing would make like a significant improvement on my life. So I just kind of kept hiding some sides of like it. And I never told anybody about the mental health part except for like I broke down in doctor’s offices a few times, <laugh> and then I thought I was doing better.
Speaker 3 00:11:12 So I went through four years of university. I did it a little different but I got through it and I also was told to quit twice while in university by professionals because they were like looking at me like what are you doing? Just take a break your brain like you’re over uh, doing it. Cause I’d come in and I’d like hadn’t slept or I had slept too much or I’d be super behind in class or I hadn’t gone to class in a month because of a headache. And then it was actually my last year of university I didn’t really realize how badly I was doing until I just started getting really down like, and I started running and we have discovered that running is my signal that there’s something wrong in my life because if I go back in the last like five years, every single time I have started running a lot.
Speaker 3 00:12:07 There’s something wrong with me like mentally because I really don’t like running <laugh>. Like I despise running And it’s funny cuz my mom runs marathons so there’s like a big gap there <laugh>. But I was running a lot and it was just because I think it’s because I didn’t expect it. I didn’t realize how much I’d been bottling everything in like I thought I was doing better about the not riding and I was feeling better cause I didn’t have a ton of headaches and then, but I’d still have meltdowns. Like I was watching a TV show of show jumping and I broke down crying the one day I would struggle, like sometimes I’d be good and I would do school or I would go out with friends and then I’d pay for it for three days for a headache. So like there’s lots of things like that where it kind of tires you out and you’re not talking about it.
Speaker 3 00:12:58 And I didn’t know how to turn off the bad thoughts like the you should drive off the road, why are you doing this to yourself? Um, like you’re in so much pain, is this worth it? Like those kinds of things. Like I just, they would spiral and then they would get to the point where I actually ended up overdosing and then I had the option to either go to outpatient therapy that was mandatory or I went to inpatient and I would have to stay like in the unit at the hospital. And I decided for the outpatient because I didn’t wanna stay there. Right. And I remember like my family’s faces and all of that. But afterwards, what I always like to mention is people always expect like the, like the really big, I’m so happy to be here, like gratefulness kind of aspect after. And I didn’t feel that, I just felt kind of numb.
Speaker 3 00:13:52 I was numb for about a month where I just kind of felt like I was going through the motions. Like I went to therapy, my family was like hawks, they drove me everywhere. I wasn’t allowed to be alone for a while, which is fair. Like I get um, like their fear. I have, I’m really close. That’s the other thing is I don’t have an unsupportive family. I don’t have unsupportive siblings, I don’t have unsupportive friends. Like they’re all wonderful and great, but that didn’t matter because that just didn’t matter to me at the time. And then it was actually the therapy that I can honestly say saved my life because it gave me the tools to stop those thoughts that I had been dealing with for years.
Speaker 0 00:14:32 Yeah. Was there and was there any um, specific types of therapy that you, you did with your therapist or was it just your awesome therapist and <laugh> your relationship with
Speaker 3 00:14:46 Her? For sure. Well she was also the first therapist I liked, so that probably helped a lot.
Speaker 0 00:14:51 I wanna talk about that, but go ahead.
Speaker 3 00:14:53 Yeah, so that helped a lot. And then the other thing was every day she had like a different exercise to try and then I would try it for like a few days and see how it worked for me with like the thoughts and like there was things like, uh, people do the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, like five things you can, I think it’s, you can see and then you go through like your senses mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Um, that one wasn’t for me. There was, we do one where you describe an object in front of you and it’s kind of like being in the moment. So it’d be like there’s a chair in front of you, the chair has four legs and then you like go through the object like from big details to small details. So that tended to help me cuz it could ground my thoughts and kind of just slow them down. Yeah. The other one that worked really well was, uh, pick a word and then I would spell it backwards, forwards, write it in the sky, like kind of in my head and it would just allow me to kind of regroup of where I was and stop like panicking essentially on the inside. Right,
Speaker 0 00:15:54 Right. Yeah. So I mean that work to me sounds like a lot of grounding work. Yeah. A lot of mindfulness mm-hmm. <affirmative>, um, slowing down your thoughts and feelings. Uh, and I might just speak a little bit to that. Yeah, for sure. When I see someone coming in, a lot of times they’re just so overwhelmed mm-hmm. <affirmative> like the emotions are so huge and maybe their emotional experience has changed after their injury. So I feel like that is one of the biggest things. If, if, you know, I can help to kind of calm that storm of emotions with them, then that’s really helpful. Uh, and I was just gonna talk a little bit when you were saying about the fit between your therapist. So important and research tells us that too. Like if we have a good fit with our therapist, the therapy will be so much better. Um, so I always tell people if I’m not your cup of tea, then please see someone else because it’s not gonna work. It’s not gonna work for you. So yeah. Yeah. Any, any other like, you know, insights from that time for you? About what maybe for other people, like what they can look for or get out of their own therapy
Speaker 3 00:17:05 For sure. Well, some of it, I think finding what my warning sign was really important, like the running thing. Right. Uh, that was really important. I’m sure lots of people have other things, but like, it wasn’t like, people always expect like, you are gonna completely change how you look. Or people forget that you can function like a normal human being with depression. Like I was going to school, had a job, had friends, was riding or not riding at the time, I can’t remember. But like, it wasn’t like I was locked in a bedroom every day sleeping. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> I was doing like on the outside I looked perfectly fine so that it is really hard for people to really notice. But I was really sensitive, like I was highly reactive. Like I always found my concussions kind of my ability to control emotions kind of disappeared for a couple years with the combination of the stress and the pain and then also the head injuries themselves. Like I would lash out like really hard usually at my mom because she was the one who was always around. And then I would feel terrible but I wouldn’t know how to take it back because I said it. And even though I didn’t mean it like ever I would say it and I would kind of just destroy her for trying to help me. And it took me a while to like stop the anger, um, coming out. And can
Speaker 0 00:18:31 You, can you say a little bit more about the anger? Cuz it’s often an emotion. People talk a lot about with me feeling like really frustrated and angry for so many reasons. Yeah. You can give insight to that.
Speaker 3 00:18:43 Yeah. Well there was, well one, I was angry for the writing. It’s like the biggest thing for me. <laugh>. Yeah. Uh, the pain. I was really because I just like, there wasn’t like, I was limited on access to healthcare. Um, like so many people are like, I had access to every doctor we could find and I still wasn’t getting better. And I remember being really mad at like healthcare kind of in general that nobody could or they could try to help me but nothing was working. And being someone who like really believes in science and like that sides of things and that kind of really upset me. And then the change in your life, like what you planned, Like I had planned Olympics riding like that was as a, when I was 14 I was told that that was the plan Oh wow. From coaches and such.
Speaker 3 00:19:35 So I was really angry about that. I was angry because I had to change my career a few times in university because of the fear that I couldn’t do it because of my head injuries. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So there was just a lot frustration of things I couldn’t do or like, you have a great day. Like even this weekend I had two great days I had, I spent a day at a dirt bike track with kids and then Sunday I spent a day at camp and then Monday I spent a whole day in bed in excruciating pain from being in the sun all day for the last two days. And that kind of hit me, but I’ve gotten a lot better about it. I don’t get angry about it, I just kind of accept that I needed to recover. Probably should have done it a little differently and then I move on. But I couldn’t do that then. There was no bounce back. It was just sink and sink and sink. And it took me a long time to get over that.
Speaker 0 00:20:33 Yeah, I mean that makes, that makes a lot of sense. Uh, that, you know, it’s like you’re, you’re kind of faced all the time with things you can’t do, like mm-hmm. <affirmative>, Oh I can’t do this. Oh well, well I can’t do that either. And that thing. No, that’s off limits. And I think that’s one of the infuriating things that I hear is it’s just so many limitations and by looking on the horizon, actually you just posted today about toxic positivity I think on Instagram. And I was reading that and I, I thought about doing my own post at some point I will. But I think, and a lot of times people are like, you know, good vibes only just keep it positive. And I think for the brain injury by folks, I never ever say that because you know, I think I know that it’s just a lot of loss.
Speaker 3 00:21:25 Mm-hmm <affirmative> and it’s not like it depends on your injury. Like severity of brain injuries goes from like you look and can do everything to, you are wheelchair bound. Like there’s quite the variety and severity. But for myself, it’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I shouldn’t, that is really hard. Like I can ride a horse but I will pay for it so I shouldn’t be doing it. Like it’s lots of, that is really hard. Like I can go to a concert but I shouldn’t because I will be out for a week after I can read a book now, but I’ll pay for it. So like there’s lots of that. It’s kind of like the finding the give and take after be like it takes, honestly it took me years to figure a balance for myself of what I could do and what I would accept the consequences for. Because there are a few things where I’ll be like, Oh, it’s fine, I’ll just sleep the next day. <laugh>.
Speaker 0 00:22:18 Right. And that’s what I’ve heard. But like some things you want to push into and other things you have, it’s always this kind of dance of the push and pull. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, can I, can I push into this a little bit?
Speaker 3 00:22:30 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:22:30 Before getting to the, the white noise place where my brain just kind of shuts off on me.
Speaker 3 00:22:35 Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I have that working some days <laugh> and like, it’s like usually like three, four o’clock. Like I, I’m a nap person. Ever since my head injuries, ever since I used to sleep for 23 hours a day. I’ve napped <laugh> and I find like three or four o’clock in the day, um, my brain will be like staring at my computer screens and it’s just like, And you’re not working anymore. Cuz my brain’s off.
Speaker 0 00:23:01 Yes. Yes. Makes total sense. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3 00:23:05 <affirmative>.
Speaker 0 00:23:06 So I’m wondering if you can kind of share a few tips or insights or knowledge you, you think that either you’ve learned from doing the podcast or just your own journey that you’d like to highlight for folks that are listening today.
Speaker 3 00:23:22 Yeah, for sure. Well for survivors I strongly recommend going to therapy <laugh> and like honestly it’s my favorite recommendation because,
Speaker 0 00:23:32 So mental health therapy cuz there’s so many other
Speaker 3 00:23:34 Therapies. Yes. Mental health therapy. Okay. Because people don’t realize that you’re probably struggling and you should really talk to someone about it. Even if you feel okay. So many things in your life are changing and I think it’s important to talk to someone and not just your best friend. Because something that I always thought therapy was about was just kind of venting it out. Cause that’s what they make it seem like in TV really. Yes. And then you realize that it’s not about that. It’s about getting tools and learning about yourself and there’s just so much more to it than just kinda talking it out. And I thought that was really important cuz I was like, I have good friends, I have good family, why wouldn’t I just talk to them instead? And then I realized, oh, my good friends and family can’t give me the tools that I need, uh, like a therapist can.
Speaker 3 00:24:24 So that’s really important. Finding your triggers and your balance is really important. Like, and triggers for everything. Like I learned what I could eat, what I couldn’t eat. Um, things like my noise levels that I could handle. Do I need a nap at one o’clock or four o’clock? Like it’s kind of figuring out what works for you with a lot of trial and error and you have to be willing to keep trying because it’s gonna take more than a couple months to figure that out. Sure. And for family, I kind of just always recommend to just kind of keep being there because even though I was really annoyed with my family, to be honest, I really needed them. And now I appreciate it. Definitely didn’t appreciate it then because I was just angry, like I said at the world essentially. And I was really annoyed with them being overly persistent and my mom asking how I was every day and all of that. But when I look back, I really didn’t need it. Even though I might have not acted like it at the time. <laugh>.
Speaker 0 00:25:27 Yeah. Yeah. That’s great. That’s great. So I mean, I guess we’ll go into the quick fire round unless there’s anything else kind of story wise or mental health wise you think we didn’t cover.
Speaker 3 00:25:42 Um, I’m up for anything so.
Speaker 0 00:25:44 All right, well let’s talk about a habit or a routine that helps you in your recovery.
Speaker 3 00:25:50 Ooh, I have to think. It’s been a long time. So it just depends on where I’m at. Uh, routine I can honestly say I was terrible for it. Uh, so that was really hard habit. I’ve tried, uh, like the diaries and stuff like that and I found I’d only do it for like a few weeks and then I’d give up. So I don’t usually recommend that. I find just I needed something like, it’s important to have like your kind of your escape from the real world. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Uh, so that was really important to me was finding something that I could kind of forget that I was suffering and in pain in a lot of those kinds of things. And for me, that was riding so that made it complicated. So I had to keep trying things like now I do archery because it’s safer and I find I don’t get headaches and things from it. It could be reading, it could be knitting, it could be, I do puzzles when I ever, I have like an overly stressed out time I find I can do a puzzle and then I’m like, oh, I feel it just kind of helps, uh, cuz I can think about the puzzle and think about nothing else. And so I find like that’s like something that really helped me and I find everyone so different. Like I have some people that went into music and that’s really helped them that were on the podcast, things like that.
Speaker 0 00:27:13 Yeah. I think something that gives you like the brain reset, you know, like the puzzle, those types of things are kind of using your brain in a different way, if that makes sense. So that is really something you’ve incorporated. I can have a fun question. <laugh>, what is your favorite holiday food and who does it remind you of?
Speaker 3 00:27:36 Okay. Well, like pumpkin pie, apple pie are my favorite because I’m a huge pie person, but I don’t know, I’m trying to think of who it reminds me of. Probably just all of my family, but I see all of my family every day, so.
Speaker 0 00:27:52 Oh, that’s lovely.
Speaker 3 00:27:53 Yeah. Or at least I talk to them every day. We’re kind of close, so yeah.
Speaker 0 00:27:59 Great. Great. And what is one or two things you would tell your younger self if you could? So this could be at any point in your recovery, um, any time in your life.
Speaker 3 00:28:13 Yeah. Um, I just have to think. Well, the first thing I would probably tell myself is that there’s more to your life than a sport <laugh> and things will get better. That was something I really needed to understand, even though if I told my younger self that she probably would’ve ignored me. So <laugh>, uh, the other one would’ve probably been to be more honest, uh, with myself too. Like I said, I lied to healthcare professionals, but I also lied to myself a lot. I was always telling myself I was doing a lot better than I really was.
Speaker 0 00:28:52 Yeah. And I think going back to the sport thing, I thought about that point when you were talking about like not like if I admitted that I was feeling how I was feeling. Like you knew inside that that meant writing was over for you. And I don’t think it sounded like, anyway, it sounded as if you weren’t ready to go there.
Speaker 3 00:29:16 No, definitely not. Yeah, I learned that, I guess it’s two, yeah, two years ago, 10 days ago is when I retired officially actually. So it’s kind of funny.
Speaker 0 00:29:31 Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 00:29:31 Mm-hmm.
Speaker 0 00:29:32 <affirmative>. So it, it sounded like that took a long time for you to I did get, get to that point and knowing like this is just not something that’s serving me in my life in any way.
Speaker 3 00:29:42 Yeah. I think it was hard because like I fell in love with it when I was younger and then I moved away from home for about two years to compete and over those two years it was kind of shoved down my throat that this is what you’re doing for the rest of your life and when you’re 14, 15, 16, hearing that. And then when I went to Calgary, I heard a bit again when I was like 18. So then accepting it when you kept hearing it was really hard and it took me a long time to get through that.
Speaker 0 00:30:16 Yeah. Okay. Well where can people find more out about you?
Speaker 3 00:30:23 For sure? Well, I’m on, I’m pretty sure every single streaming platform for the podcast and it’s called the Post-Concussion podcast. And then otherwise I’m on all social media and the website is post-concussion inc.com.
Speaker 0 00:30:39 Great. Well I’ve really enjoyed hearing you in the podcasting space, uh, and I think you’re bringing so much value and connection to listeners in the post-concussion space and just in brain injury in general for people to have a resource for recovery. So thank you so much for doing what you’re doing.
Speaker 3 00:30:57 Yeah. Well thank you so much and I love this. It’s a great idea, <laugh>.
Speaker 0 00:31:01 Yeah. Great. All right, well thanks for joining me.
Speaker 4 00:31:10 Thank you for joining us today on the TBI Therapist podcast. Please visit tbi therapist.com for more information on brain injury, concussion and mental health. The information shared on today’s podcast is intended to provide information, awareness, and discussion on the topic. It is not clinical or medical advice. If you need mental health or medical advice, please seek a professional.
